cygnu

This is a chronicle of my effort to change something fundamental in myself. Something I thought would change but have come to realize it hardly exists anymore. It is difficult to articulate; simply put, it is becoming an Adult, or in my case, a Lady. It hasn't come naturally as I've aged, and I see that for many it doesn't come either. Society worships adolescents, and children aspire to become teenagers, not adults. Those who are supposed to be Adults don't even aspire to be Adults anymore; instead they are preoccupied with reliving their childhood or teen years.

So here is a log of my efforts at self-transformation, since society has left me with very little in the way of rites-of-passage. This journal has a tight focus; my main journal, expatriette, is the repository of more personal this-and-that.

Also: Vivaldi is recommended.

I've decided that it makes much more sense to keep this sort of thing as a part of my regular journal, instead of away from it. So I will cease to update it, and eventually may delete it. Please see me over at expatriette.

Not surprisingly, today at work we had a wedding party. They were particularly rowdy from what I gathered. Also not unusually, given that it was just me, the hot-side guy and the dishwasher, I got onto my soapbox. Yes I know, a bad habit that I'm sure gets annoying. >-< I was wound up about how juvenile and unattractively people act nowadays in public, with the wedding party as a primary example. For one, when I was walking back into the kitchen after deliverying the dessert req to the pastry department, some girls were passing me. One of them had her head turned looking back, and she said, loudly, "buuullshiiiiit~" Not that I'm trying to be some sort of nanny, but I think people forget that they are judged my their actions. It's not like anyone means to, but the first impression is made within seconds of meeting someone, and all sorts of good or bad connotations to certain behaviors/clothing/speech come to your mind and apply themselves to that person. So what a horrible way to act, in my mind, out in public, with strangers, at something as formal as a wedding. Another example would be that our manager had to tell a young woman that they would not serve her alcohol because she was not carrying any identification, and the young woman called the manager a bitch. No, our manager is not a bitch for following the law; and no, calling her a bitch doesn't help anything. It's a juvenile thing to say, said to make you feel better somehow.

>:(

So in this sour and broody mood (I really need to stop getting worked up over silly things), I'm walking towards the stairs to the basement to the exit. I see a girl coming, she's in a vibrant red dress, very fitted, a tube top, ends somewhere halfway to the knee. So really, a girl looking very much like the other girls of the wedding party. As I pass her, I turn to look her in the eye - something I've gotten bad about recently, I don't know when that happened - just to give a nod and a smile, or something, since I notice employees seem to do that here, at least to other employees (basically, it's becoming a habit). But as our eyes meet, before I say anything, she gives me a warm smile and looks me in the eye, saying "Have a good night."

Such a simple gesture, but it made me feel instantly better.

Definitely it's official that I fail at CSS. I've been trying to edit this journal basically so that it looks like this with a header+sidebar (that's a part of the main box, not seperated) but whenever I copy/paste the code from the appleleaf and switch to "No" under "Use Layout's Stylesheet" and save... Ugh, it's a mess and I have no idea why. -_-

While I can't say I feel more graceful or genteel or any of that, I do feel bad because I think my intense awareness over the past few days has also been making me tense... In a sense, forcing myself to do something unnatural is making me tense. And I think my boyfriend has been on the wrong end of it. I don't mean to be short with him, and will mellow out. A Lady doesn't force it anyway, it's a natural frame of mind... Really, I think, it will just take practice. If anything, because a Lady is confident and strong, this should make me more relaxed and assertive. So being catty has to go >_

For the past little while now (at least a few months, whenever it was posted on egl) I've been wanting to order from the Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab. I've been without perfume for a while, and while it's not the end of the world I do miss it. Now, my circumstances allow for a little indulgence. :D

I have the sample scents all decided.

Desire: The overwhelming agony of passion crystallized into a singularly dark and magnetic blend: bittersweet neroli, black patchouli and black musk, gilded by apple, bergamot, blood red rose, teak, and vanilla.
Jack: The scent of warm, glowing jack o'lanterns on a warm autumn night: true Halloween pumpkin, spiced with nutmeg, glowing peach and murky clove.
Kabuki: Compelling, complex, and utterly enigmatic: a luxuriant, exotic blend of cherry, red musk, and star anise.
Antique Lace: Nostalgia encapsulated. A soft, wistful blend of dry flowers, aged linens, and the faint breath of long-faded perfumes.
Marie: A blend of sinuous violet and elegant tea rose: the chosen scent of France's Demigoddess of Debauch: Marie Antoinette.
Black Pearl: Evocative of the sea's unplumbed mysteries. Gentle and lovely, but menacing and profound. Coconut, Florentine iris, hazelnut and opalescent white musk.

Watch Jack be my favorite, thus confirming that I really just like to smell like food. Remember, my last perfume was chocolate scented. XD